The quiet loneliness of my 20s was almost sacred when I think of how I worshipped Escape.
Stumbling into the happy hour,
Stumbling into the bar where I knew no one and acted like I didn’t care…
As she stood in front of him
Loving
Every one of the hers that loved before stood in a line waiting to ask “Why?”
my anxieties wrap around me like a too-warm blanket.
my eyes closed too-tight with the windows too-shut.
Driving home from a moment with her, unplanned, I had the money to eat a meal that was once saved for special occasions
Or lunch specials only because it was cheaper that way.
I am a rainbow on fire.
My colors explode across the sky so bright and fast that eyes can barely see it. The violet bursts and drips into melted gold, molten, like my heart. I’ve always been gilded in it, shining out of the corner of your eye. You turn your head to see, but only the edges are there. Red, bloody and coarsing, proof of life, is a shock to everyone, especially me.
But it turns out that I’ve been pulsing like an angry river through and through, ever since I could first dream of the pleasure that promptly is drained from us because we didn’t know any better.
I can remember where I left it, the yellow and orange, flames around your lips, around your hands, around my waist, next to the van they always left unlocked and we claimed as our sanctuary. Children on fire, blinding and perfect. Fan their flames. I think of them now & conjure my colors back. In the ash, I hope it’s not too late.
My head spins with you in my mouth
In my heart, I soften.
My brain wraps around you
And around you
And around you
They make us feel like heartbreak is normal, like abandonment is so normal that everyone has experienced it, or will.
Read MoreShe threw the blinds open
Brightness spilling into the room we all shared
I yelled & she yelled back,
Bratty and rude
like a sister
There are worlds inside of us that only make sense when we remember how bad things used to be. We could go years, decades not remembering, but feeling a part of ourselves, not understanding it, feeling confused and lonely for it.
Read MoreI struggle for the words to wish you well without the words to tell you that you have everything you need to give it to yourself.
I’d like to cheer for you, but I see you clearly on the field, ready and in uniform, pleated skirt, jumping in time for your team.
