BY COLLECTION—
it took me so long to realize
the way you held me down by the mouth
in mornings darkened by our own personal dawn
was the mark of the earth,
dirt beast of dream lives.
your loving was never here is my only place in a white box altar of you prayers we told on the couch…
born into twilight they made darkness so that we could be light…
Push start
Inch forward
“This car was built to run”
she told herself…
Coming back to me at the concert
During the song
I bought a single ticket, but I didn’t realize I don’t go anywhere alone anymore…
Love, as space. Love, as absence. Love as boundary, boundary as invitation. Love as grief, and grief again, because you refuse to shut your heart down as long as it’s beating…
One day soon, we’ll dance too close, let the sweat drip on my tongue.
Soon, we’ll arrive. Shiny, not to cover what we are, but to scream what we cannot in the daylight…
There’s a very specific moment when you realize that the vision you had for your future is now
Dust….
How does your hand feel on my neck, hot. My shoulder wants to guard it like a warrior, up to the ear. The bear warms it until it’s moldable…
days are different now
one big waiting room
at your therapists office
how are you?
Why—
If everyone is pinned to their homes Touch Starved
Why—
If texting until three is the same as making out at two
I crave the rawness in you.
The more of you that hides behind the rest of you.
The wall you tried to resurrect but I saw through,
Blistering and bubbling with truth.
The quiet loneliness of my 20s was almost sacred when I think of how I worshipped Escape.
Stumbling into the happy hour,
Stumbling into the bar where I knew no one and acted like I didn’t care…
As she stood in front of him
Loving
Every one of the hers that loved before stood in a line waiting to ask “Why?”
my anxieties wrap around me like a too-warm blanket.
my eyes closed too-tight with the windows too-shut.
Driving home from a moment with her, unplanned, I had the money to eat a meal that was once saved for special occasions
Or lunch specials only because it was cheaper that way.
My head spins with you in my mouth
In my heart, I soften.
My brain wraps around you
And around you
And around you
They make us feel like heartbreak is normal, like abandonment is so normal that everyone has experienced it, or will.
She threw the blinds open
Brightness spilling into the room we all shared
I yelled & she yelled back,
Bratty and rude
like a sister
There are worlds inside of us that only make sense when we remember how bad things used to be. We could go years, decades not remembering, but feeling a part of ourselves, not understanding it, feeling confused and lonely for it.
I struggle for the words to wish you well without the words to tell you that you have everything you need to give it to yourself.
I’d like to cheer for you, but I see you clearly on the field, ready and in uniform, pleated skirt, jumping in time for your team.
they said we could be anything as they crashed their tax evasion into the high rise of our bank accounts.
they told us stories of the castles of our future, birthright to be better than they were.
I don’t not remember the self-inflicted nausea of my early twenties that I blamed on everyone but me.
Hardened sandbags strapped to my sides, fastened with T3 text messages that I sent 3 hours ago.
You never replied.
Child like romance crushing the kid in me. I held your angst, stacked stones on my mule back, aged as quickly as I was a teen.
Hey.
Hey you.
I see you over there in the corner
Exhausted and gasping for breath
Wind smacked and back punched with all of the life out.
Can you tell me what it's like
To be open
To crack open
To twist and rub your oil-coated insides until something turns you over?
Hands out, clasped, tight.
Steel soft stranger leg jambed on mine.
Tips tickle tip toes
Tracing romance up my thighs
A hundred times, a hundred times.
©2023 Jillian Adel. All works contained on this page are property of its owner + may not be used or reproduced without consent.
I didn’t believe them when they told me that Bedford was Soho now until I saw the verdant glow of the upscale grocery store looming above the corner that exhales the smoke notes of my twenties.